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"Young people these days aren't the vulgar, rude bastards we want" say employers

Retail bosses reported today they were anxious about the quality of staff they were recruiting. “We have a very thorough vetting process, but we are just not finding enough grumpy, ungrateful people to fill these positions”. Usually, candidates have to prove their impatience, lack of interest or slothful attitude, but many have been falling way above the mark with politeness, patience and good manners.

“It’s an absolute shambles. We like to sell customers rubbish” said one boss “and if they complain to be met with a wall of indifference. These people treat the customers with respect, and treat their issues with interest.” He broke down “They want to solve their customers’ problems. Why? Why Lord? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?”

Other bosses were similarly damning about the dirth of poor quality potential employees. Another manager, this time from the pharmacy industy told us “I hired this scruffy, grubby and frankly letcherous little man. Hopeless excuse for a human being. He turned up, first day – which is never a good sign – smart, clean, polite and had taken the time to learn the product range so he could be of as much use as possible. I feel cheated of some prime shop floor ruccus. It’s misrepresentation and I should terminate his employment.”

But it’s not all bad news. One manager from Stow said he had employed someone who was rude, insolent, sarcastic and, on occasion, physically threatening. “He’s a joy to behold. Arguing with customers, prodding them. Hiding behind shelves and leaping out. He goes above and beyond. He’s even got us free advertising. Alright, it was in a Coroners’ Report, but it’s all good”