Headline Edition

Kindly man actually grumpy git will be missed

A woman has described how the man she thought of as a ‘kindly Uncle’ was in fact a ‘miserable old sod’.

The woman, who has withheld her name has known the man for fifteen years. “He’d come around, doing jobs for me, like he did for a lot of the people around here. Mend fences, bit of plumbing. He was so kind and thoughtful” she said.

But soon that changed when her children put a football through his window. “I just saw a whole new side of him. Instead of the kind and patient man, what I saw was a angry bastard chasing local children with a cricket bat”

His true nature revealed, many of the locals shun the man, leaving him in his small terraced house, peering through the net curtains snarling at passers-by.

“We don’t know if he’s going to running out, screaming and waving some pruning clippers” said one. Another has curtailed walking past his house entirely “I get the feeling he’s going to leap from the roof and accost me. It’s not pleasant” while a third felt his presence in the area made many parents and non-parents uncomfortable.

“He had his window broken, it happens” said one “He had graffiti on his door. It’s not unusual. Kids need an outlet. He had excrement put through his letterbox and someone did doughnuts in a stolen Kia on his lawn. These are all just things that happen.”.

“I’ve had all the work he did for free removed” said the woman who I mentioned a while ago but couldn’t be arsed thinking up a name for “and a professional in to do it. It’s expensive but I don’t want anything of his in or on my property. I know it doesn’t sound very Christian of me, but I’d tear out his heart and eat it in front of his face.”

UPDATE

Local people were being comforted today after the body of a kindly old man was found in his home after a welfare check. The man, who did little jobs for everyone if he could, was a pillar of the community, and the death is being treated as suspicious. Detective Freid in charge of the investigation said “We have to consider every possibility. Yes, he was a popular old boy with no enemies it seems, but he appears to have also been very lonely. It could be a suicide but we need to gather evidence. And maybe locate the bodies’ missing heart” he added.