Headline Edition

Yellow Lines To Be upgraded

A plan to make double yellow lines in the UK into so-called Smart Lines has been outlined by the highways agency. “For too long, signage, road sijils and lines have lacked access to high speed internet” said one official “Now, when not being parked on they can spend their time looking at eBay or answering interesting parties on Match.com.”

But once again motoring organisations have criticised the plan “There’s absolutely no reason the lines indicating no parking need high speed internet access” said Greg Stroud, head of operations at the Road Users Society “Yet again, it shows the Mayor has gone mad, putting into operation schemes and plans which have absolutely no point to them. He’s clearly trying to use up his budget”.

There is some truth to this. Last year, the Mayor decreed that to save wear and tear on paving slabs around the city by swinging from tree to tree to lampost until they reach their destination. He had, apparently, got this idea after watching Tarzan, and had bought eight million pounds worth of jungle vine and commissioned someone to brick up the underground and sell the buses.

“We pointed out to him this would not suit all residents, and elderly or disabled people may not be able to swing from vine to vine, thus causing them to be isolated in their own homes and consigned to a lonely and desolate life.