Headline Edition

Opinion: I love nature

While topping up my feeders this morning I considered how lucky I am. Unlike working class people, I have a garden to enjoy. I can sit in a chair all day without Government assistance, watching the birds. Yes, while those welfare scroungers are drinking their alcohol and eating McDonalds on my money, I can watch the birds and the plants and some more birds and get a genuine sense of satisfaction and sanctimonious self-righteous gloating.

There is nothing like owning your own property; you can do as you wish, like the birds and the squirrels and the voles and the plants. Working class people could never appreciate that, too busy drinking their alcohol and watching rubbish. No, I have worked hard to be where I am, harder than probably anyone else. I’ve earned this. Three mornings a week in Mr Patel’s Newsagents for three years (save when I couldn’t go in because of illness). That was enough. And so now I reap my rewards, after all those mid to late mornings and Tuesday nights. Now I get to savour the birds and the squirrels and the plants.

I love nature. I absolutely adore it and if they want to bulldoze through my garden to build some low class housing, well, over my dead body. I wouldn’t mind if it were a doctor or a lawyer or someone who deals with warts, but I know what it would be. Working class layabouts, staining my area with their hoodies and alcohol and cheap sandwiches. I will not give up my birds and Squirrels and voles and plants and small spindley things for them! With their filthy ways and disgusting habits.

I’ve seen them in the High Street. Out at 11! They should be in work. I avoid them, refuse to make eye contact as I hurry back to my birds and squirrels and voles and plants and mice. That’s who should get the benefits. You don’t see birds hanging around Starbucks at 10am. No, they are industrious, always looking for a new job, a new challenge. Worms. You don’t see them selling drugs behind the old Woolworths.

I love nature. British Nature. None of that foreign shite.