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Opinion: I have paid my fee, accept my pee

I recently had the pleasure of using the local swimming pool. Everything seemed in order, the reception was polite, the corridor clean and orderly, the changing rooms pleasing. Soon, I had donned my trunks and was out amongst the other aqua enthusiasts.

But then a blight happened. A trauma I shall not forget. A nightmare at the hands of the alleged lifeguard which has scarred me and left me wondering if I will ever be able to appear in front of strangers in just a pair of pants again.

He accused me of pissing in the pool.

I want to make it clear, I am a 68 year old man. I have a career and family and friends, some of whom work for very important companies. One man I know well works for a very, very important company. I had to think of the rammifications on his career should this foul rumour reach the media.

They know not of who they deal. To them, I am just an old man, standing in an ever expanding pool of his own urine, staring up at their insolent faces.

How dare these people chastise me for what is a basic human function. Have they not done the same? Is there a difference between a hedge in a public park, down the alley next to a reputable West End theatre or in a pool? The answer is no.

Yet these specimens of a failed education blight me with such venom. I am subjected to humliation simply because of my bladders’ natural function.

I shall never forget the way in which the pool cleared, people of all sexes, all hues quickly vacated the water, and I was left alone. Even the toddlers and their teacher were quicksmart out of the water.

What are they scared of? Wee wee? What have we become? In caveman times wee wee was a marker. The more solid the stream, the greater the man. Men would line up and compare streams, with the firmest and most determined becoming tribe leader.

But not now, no. Now we can’t even piss in a pool without some do-gooder getting all worked up. Would they have lead a tribe in the Neolithic? I think not.

Yes! Yes I shall leave. But know this of me. I shall return. I shall be back and I shall have drunk litres of liquid, and thus I will pee in the pool as Nigagara. I shall pollute your shallow end, I shall befoul your deep end, and I shall surely not rest until I have tainted your middle. Yes, vengeance shall be mine. You can’t stop me. I paid for this pool through my taxes, and if I want to micturate in it, I surely will be victorious in that mission.