Headline Edition

Balloon Festival Cancelled

The balloon festival for the centre of town has been the centre of controversy following the council’s insistance that for health and safety reasons none of the balloons can be inflated. “We looked into the matter and found that the whole floating balloon thing may be an accident waiting to happen”.

Despite assurances from those organising the festival, the officials remained firm. “We can have a beautiful event with the balloons on the ground” said one official.

It’s not the first time the council have shown their metal. Last years’ November the fifth display was less than most visitors expected, with the council advising attendees to imagine all the colours, lights and whizzbangs as they stared into an empty, overcast sky.

And before that Halloween fun was curtailed with the council decreeing only costumes from pantomimes could be utilised to celebrate the ‘darkest night’.

“We are determined to keep people safe” said one council officer “and if that means extinguishing every scintilla of fun from the area, that’s what we will do. In fact, we will do that anyway. F*ckers never invite us”.