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OPINION - I am definitely doing a good thing

So what? What if I did? I tell you, some people have no idea how difficult it is, how much effort it takes to do a series of brutal killings. There’s all the preparation for starters. The tarpaulin, the lure. Takes a lot of effort. You have to be on your game.

A lot of people fall at the first hurdle, they get caught and what could have been an enjoyable pastime becomes a life sentence with no chance of parole. That’s usually down to carelessness. If you really try, really put some thought into it, you can knock off eight to ten people without being detected.

Trouble is, unlike other hobbies, you can’t tell anyone. If you have a train set and it’s really impressive, you can show it to people. If you grow flowers, you can show it to people. If you have a nice car, a lovely collection of paintings, a vintage wine cellar. You can show people all these things but as a serial killer you can’t. It’s very frustrating.

I did show one friend, they weren’t as impressed as I thought they’d be. It was a few pictures, couple of momentoes and the corpse of my latest victim. They just went quiet. I mean, really quiet. I was expecting some enthusiasm but there wasn’t any. Save for getting out of the cellar. Miss them greatly, but I do get to talk to their skull when I get lonely.

The main thing is to have a theme. Most of my victims are the same sort of demographic. People say it’s a bit biased but you have to concentrate on one particular type. The annoying thing is the authorities start to realise what your prediliction is and advise people not to look like that, which means you have to change plans, schemes, type and of course, weapon.

Another thing is location. It’s usually good to have somewhere secret and soundproofed, but finding a good builder who will create a secret room in your house where you can really indulge yourself is hard. Trust a trader have banned me and I can’t find a decent local fellow. Of course once they’ve completed the room, you have to kill them. Have to. Got to christen the room.

When you think about it, I am doing a service. Without people like me roaming about, this invisible threat to all and sundry, the Police wouldn’t have much to do. Or the crime scene people. Or true crime podcasts. I’m contributing to society but subtracting from it. Lessening the burden on the Health Service. Apart from the pathologists, I mean.

I should offer to give talks to people. There’s a good career in murdering if you do it right. And even if you do it wrong you get famous for a little while. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I’ll call the local college, arrange a meeting. In some woodland. At dusk. Come alone.