Headline Edition

Burnham To Replaced Armed Forces

Andy Burnham has received criticism after saying he may replace the Army, Navy and Airforce with plastic replicas. The proposal, made in a closed meeting of advisors, was thought to be predicated on saving money.

“Sometimes” said Burnham “if you wish really hard, they come to life” he said. Advisors doubted it but Burnham was adamant that the figures and models were, in fact, capable of self-animation.

“The Prime Minister saw that this happens when a genie is involved” said one civil servant “and we have placed ads on recruitment sites and media outlets for any qualified genies to get involved”.

Opposition parties have been damning “Ridiculous” said Kemi Badenoch in a press conference “when I consider the Prime Minister has had ample time to accrue the personnel needed, and the best he comes up with is a plastic replica of the services, when we in the Conservatives have for many months indicated the cost effective preference for a stop-motion plastercine model”. Ed Davey was busy putting his head into a ham bap, but Nigel Farage said “What the Prime Minister wasn’t to do is plainly ludicrous. Look, the Russians and Chinese have plenty of soldiers. Why don’t we just ask to borrow some of them” he said.

And while this story was being read the book was returned and it’s all fine now.