Headline Edition

Royal Visit Triggers Smarm Shortage

A visit by a Royal dignitary has caused local officials to dig into their reserves of fawning and sycophancy. The special fund of toadying was set up in the wake of a visit from the Duchess of Kent some years ago, with high ups from council and Government totally unprepared for the sheer amount of arse licking and grovelling needed, leaving a deficit of pathetic yes mannery.

“We have been preparing the humiliating behaviour for several weeks” said Derek Chinn, head of Crawling and Boot Licking “We have had experts from London, Bristol and Lowestoft advising us on levels of abject crawling and kowtowing brown nosery. We think we may have got the balance just right, somewhere between cringe-worthy spinelessness and obsequeous crawling”

But this hasn’t pleased all in the town. Raylon Butters claims the dignitary in question deserves none of the lauding and submissiveness. “We should act as we would act with any other visitor. Polite, warm, friendly. Unless they cross us. In which case we much avenge ourselves and our ancestors.”. Butter caused many problems for the town on the last Royal sortee into the area by stopping the Royal carriage to place a speeding ticket on the horses’ ear.